WOMEN OVER 40 ROCK!

I was in my early forties when I began to feel a strange numbness and tingling in my right arm. Probably a pinched nerve or carpel tunnel syndrome, I thought. It worsened as the weeks passed, so I finally saw a doctor. His examination revealed a noticeable weakness in my right leg as well.

Obviously concerned, he immediately set an appointment with a neurologist, but it would be a month-long wait. Within days, my left arm became numb, then my legs. In extremely rapid progression I found myself unable to work, drive, or even take more than a few steps.

What goes through your mind at a time like that is hard to explain. Fear and uncertainty pervade every thought.

By the day of my neurologist visit, the symptoms had all but disappeared. Numerous tests resulted in no conclusion. Human nature being what it is, I easily put the incident behind me as soon as I was back to my old self.

One month later, as I stood up from a seated position, my left leg gave out, and within days all four limbs were again rendered useless as the process repeated itself.

It was six months before several doctors, countless tests, a sea of self-doubt, and stubborn persistence resulted in a diagnosis of multiple sclerosis.* First there was relief at finally having an answer, followed by the realization that life would never be the same. Now I would have to learn to live with one foot in each of two worlds — that of the able-bodied and that of the disabled.

Like many MS patients, I grudgingly came to the conclusion that I could no longer work full-time, following a common chain of events — loss of job, loss of independence, loss of group health insurance. That, by the way, is how I learned the meaning of the term “health care crisis.”

For several years, I remained frozen in place, working half-days and becoming best friends with my television. I didn’t recognize the reflection staring back at me in the mirror. I didn’t know what the heck I was supposed to do with this new body that refused direct orders from my brain! The body was in all out mutiny and the mind in utter turmoil.

What do you do when everything you know about yourself changes just as you’re hitting midlife? How do you plan for life’s second half with a body you’ve never met before? How do you cope with being disabled on some days and not on others… and never knowing which it will be? How do you pull yourself together?

One piece at a time.

Those long hours in front of the tube and laying around on the sofa turned to quiet introspection. I wasn’t ready to cash in my chips just yet, but I needed a spark, a way to feel useful again. I needed a road back to me.

It came in the form of a blog, lovingly suggested by my husband. It was then that I started to recall my childhood dream of being a writer, which I’d all but forgotten in a whirlwind of children, work, and responsibilities.

That single spark was all it took to re-awaken my spirit. I started off on a bold new venture of reinvention, not unlike millions of other women in midlife.

Now I know that to let a single day slip by unlived is a colossal waste. To allow aging or disability to extinguish that spark is a death knell. Recognizing my passion was the key to my resurgence. I’ve got my head back in the game.

I have MS and I won’t try to kid you — it’s not all sunshine and roses. The future is a great big question mark, but why shouldn’t it be? Nobody has the promise of tomorrow. All we have is right here, right now… this very moment.

The late Randy Pausch (The Last Lecture), after receiving a terminal cancer diagnosis, said: “We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand. If I don’t seem as depressed as I should be, sorry to disappoint you.”

I’m playing my hand with a smile.

Posted by Mandy Crest, blogger for In The Trenches Productions, the First Entertainment Website for Women Over 40!

* Multiple sclerosis (MS), is a neurological disease with no known cause or cure. It is usually diagnosed between the ages of 30 and 50. The ratio of women to men with MS in the United States was previously two to one, but the gender differential is increasing. MS interrupts the flow of signals from the brain to various body parts resulting in a wide variety of symptoms including extreme fatigue, vertigo, visual disturbances, lack of coordination, slurred speech, tremors, pain, and more. Symptoms vary so greatly that prognosis is virtually impossible. From mild numbness to blindness and paralysis, MS patients are all over the scale. Lack of a specific test for MS and the lengthy diagnostic process lead many undiagnosed patients into clinical depression.

To learn more about MS, visit these resources.
Multiple Sclerosis Central
National Multiple Sclerosis Society