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by The Midlife Gals

God is pretty close to the vest about what her plans are on any given day – . Tornado here, floods there, with an earthquake thrown in just because she gets bored; . Yes, that’s right, I refer to God in the feminine, and we could argue about that point, but I have a 50% chance of being right. And, I like the visual of God and her lessor gods up in the clouds playing with humans on a board game. She moves us around depending on the card she draws.

Uh oh, she drew Start a war; . : do not advance. : lose a turn, to which she replies, “Dammit it all to hell, that’s not fair.” God suggests they all take a break from the game for martinis and canapes. While they’re enjoying themselves, the devil rubs his hands together, smiles his evil grin (yes, I’m making the devil masculine, because it adds conflict to my script), and points his long, bony, red finger to a spot on the globe and voila…war.

Surely you’re getting the idea here that we have no control – . The script is ‘upstairs’ with the Producer in the Sky – . We can try to polish it , re-write, show it to a focus group or have a cold reading. God and her gang have moved from the board game to the writing room, where the lessors kiss her ass by reacting to someone’s life work as they imagine she would want them to – . : she laughs, they laugh. She cries, they cry. She’s got two piles of scripts…the ‘Yes’ and the ‘No’ piles. It is her whim to choose. She doesn’t give a crap what the back story of the human writer is; . : if ‘tis time for the world to laugh, she’ll pick that script…time to fight, Rambo’s 68th sequel will be chosen. And, there’s not a damn thing any of us can do to try to persuade her to pick OUR story.

Because God sounds like a kick-ass diety, I’m just going to try to let her choose for me; . I’m pretty sure she knows that The Midlife Gals are talented and will have our own sitcom, but I’m going to let her decide when that should happen; . I might cheat a little and nudge things forward in that direction, but I’ll just have to hope that our script inches its way to the top, and when she’s read it, she’ll smile and say, “Holy Shit, now THESE women are funny – . call HBO and make it happen!”

From our lips to her ear……..

KK

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ACTS OF GOD

ACT I

EXT – . The Outer Body Experience – Eternal Day

ME

Uh, excuse me, God, but I have a
request.

GOD

Yes, SalGal, what is it this time…I’m
very busy with a volcano in Indonesia.

Me

Well, as I’ve said before…I really want
to go down there, and I really think I’m
ready.

GOD

Really.

ME

I’m dying to try food – . Chocolate – . : enchiladas….
everybody always looks happy when they
eat enchiladas.

GOD

SalGal, it’s hard down there. There are
things you won’t like, emotional pain, loss and
despair….dentist appointments.

ME

Red Velvet Cupcakes.

GOD

Okay, you’re just not getting it. Time for
you to go I guess. It’s a hard way to go,
but you’ll come back wiser.

ME

Yay! Yay! Oooooh….vodka.

GOD

Sheesh – . Obviously you’ll need a companion
with some common sense. : i’ll send KK
after you’ve had some time to settle into
the third dimension.

ME

Yay! She’ll keep me in line. Don’t worry.
I want that pretty woman and handsome
husband in Texas for parents. : can
we have them?

GOD

Yeah, yeah but he’s coming home pretty
soon. You’ll be missing him when you guys
haven’t been there for long; . It’ll be a
real drag.

ME

But I’ll see him again when I get back here.
Please , please, please…..

GOD

Okay, okay. KK! Get your little ass over here,
I’ve got an assignment for you!

KK

What.

GOD

SalGal wants to go down to earth and I’m
sending you to keep her in line.

KK

Got it; . Good to go – . SalGal , I’ve got your back.

GOD

Sal is going first and then you can catch
up with her a little later. She’s a young
soul – . Go easy and don’t get distracted
by the dream.

ME

Yeehaw!!!

KK

God , you’re killing me. : you know, I’ve done
this before and I know that we’re going to
forget about all of this as soon as we get down
there.

GOD

I give you gals about 50 years down there
and it’ll come back to you. : in some ways
I envy you guys.

KK

Well, I guess it’ll feel good to feel the grass
again.

GOD

Smell a lilac for me.

ME

Yeeehaw! Bourbon!!

KK

Oh, my God…..

GOD

I know…..

END ACT 1

SalGal

The Midlife Gals®: Kelly Jackson (KK) and Sally Jackson (SalGal) are two middle-aged sisters in Austin, Texas. Their weekly blog consists of a cast of characters from their mother, The Ancient One, to their cats, a garden full of plants with stupid names, their BFF and observations about their profane, insane comedic outlook on just about everything – . Think The Smothers Brothers with bosoms, Lucy and Ethel after those deadbeats, Ricky and Fred…you get the idea.
www.themidlifegals.com
http://www.youtube.com/user/TheMidlifeGals

Presented by In The Trenches Productions, the first entertainment website for women over 40 –

by Judith Drake

I saw a disheartening feature story on the news the other night.  It was about the growing number of young women having themselves injected with botox!

An 18 year old and 19 year old were interviewed, among others in their early 20s.  Why are they spending every cent of their part-time jobs on such idiocy?? Because they want to look like those gorgeous stars plastered on magazine covers.

The interviewer asks if they realize the possible dangers of using botox, and they nod and say “Oh yes.But they say I’ll have much fewer wrinkles when I’m older if I start now.”  And when the interviewer points out that the reason stars look so good on magazine covers is because they have famous make-up artists, excellent lighting and excellent photographers who do wonderful touch-ups, they simply nod and say they know.  But still they do it!  They spend thousands of dollars to make their faces imobile and characterless and uninteresting!  (And lets not mention the immoral – as far as I’m concerned – doctors who let them do this.)

What is wrong with us that we have fostered this mind-set in young women???  Millions are starving to death in this world, have no homes, have no means of education, have no medical help, and what do these young women look at?  Not at newspapers, not at TV news…at stars on magazine covers!  As far as I am concerned this says that our society and its education system have failed miserably.  I see in our future many little towns plucked strait from sci-fi films…Stupidville, Idiot Village, Dum-Dum Town…where all you’ll see will be meaningless, unmoving faces that look like walking posters.  How sad.

And three cheers and a loud thank you to those stars who still choose to be real people with real faces….Debra Messing, Susan Sarandon, Judi Dench, Emma Thompson, Meryl Streep, Glenn Close and Laura Linny among them.  Keep on keepin’ on, ladies, and keep on having faces that show lives have been lived!  It is my strong desire that more of you out there will do the same, and publicize your intelligent choice, so that maybe some of these young women will be able to avoid life in Stupidville!

Judith Another-Wrinkle-Please Drake

Judith Well-Over-60-&-Lovin’-It Drake has been in the ‘Show Biz’ for 45 years, crossing paths with the likes of Mary Martin, Betty Grable, Cher & Calista Flockhart along the way, been a wife to Mr.Whipple and screamed for T-Mobile.Her priority now is as a producer with In The Trenches Productions, the first entertainment network for women over 40 on the web.
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If you wear high heels on a regular basis , you’re probably familiar with the strange and uncomfortable feeling that comes with wearing flats or going barefoot. : it can be downright painful.

Now we know what causes that feeling.A British study reveals that wearing high heels on a daily basis results in stiffer Achilles tendons and calf muscles that are about 13 percent shorter than normal.

It’s not the overall size of the calf that changes, but the length of the muscle fibers.When you step out of those high heels it is harder to stretch those tendons…and painful – .In the study, regular wearers of high heels (two inches or more) could not stand flat without discomfort.

According to NPR, study author and physiologist Marco Narici compares the effect to muscle atrophy that strikes people confined to their beds for a long time – .Bed rest keeps muscles in a fixed position, causing some muscle fibers to become shorter.

High heels seem to hit a ridiculous high last year when Alexander McQueen’s introduced his ten-inch stilettos. : according to a Huffington Post article, several fashion models were cut from a show when they refused to risk wearing the shoes.

Top Five Reasons NOT to Regularly Wear High Heels

1. High heels alter the anatomy of the calf muscles and tendons;
2. cause tripping and falling, which can lead to ankle sprains and breaks;
3. create foot problems like bunions, hammertoes, and nerve damage;
4. put stress on the back and knees;
5. and cause Haglund’s deformity, otherwise known as “pump bump,” that occurs when straps of high heeled shoes dig into the tissue around the Achilles tendon

Top Two Reasons You Will Continue to Wear High Heels

1. It’s hard to combat sex appeal.
2. Sensible shoes are…well, sensible…

All right, that was a little tongue-in-cheek, but like most things is life, moderation is called for – .If you’re going to wear high heels, understand the long-term health risk of doing so every day; alternate with lower heels and flats (sensible shoes).

This article was originally published on Care2.com Causes

Ann Pietrangelo is a Virginia-based freelance writer for WebCamp One, LLC; .She is a featured blogger on Care2.com’s Causes as well as Care2′s Healthy & Green Living; . For more information , visit AnnPietrangelo.com.

Presented by In The Trenches Productions, the first entertainment website for women over 40

by : judith Drake

The Tomatoes In The Trenches blog-talk radio show today was one that none of you women should miss, whatever age group you fall in – in menopause, out of menopause, or growing toward menopause.  And have they got a film for you!

The interview this week was with Heidi Huston, executive producer of a fantastic new documentary…”Hot Flash Havoc!”  This documentary, aside from being the most provocative and revealing film ever made about menopause, is extremely informative and entertaining as well.  Ms.Huston tells us that she chose a director who had lots of experience in all fields of film for just this reason…so that he could present these stories and facts in a way that they would really have an impact on us.  And thanks to that director and the researchers, menopause, osteoporosis and osteopina experts used, she was 100% effective in that effort!  This film has the power to be a life-changing experience for women.

And guess what?  Even if you missed the show this morning, you can go to http://www.blogtalkradio.com/profile.aspx?userurl=tomatoesinthetrenches right now and listen to it.

Among other things you’ll hear about the validity or non-validity of early Hormone Replacement Therapies studies, facts such as the very minimal time given to menopausal studies in Doc Schools, and really helpful information such as the place to go to find a doctor in your area who is a specialist in same.; ..menapause.org…run by the North American Menopause Society.

I urge you to go to http://www.hotflashhavoc.com to support this wonderful documentary…you can find answers to your questions there , AND buy this important, informative film for your friends, your daughters, and yourselves!

Judith At-Last-A-Docu-4-US! Drake

Judith Well-Over-60-&-Lovin’-It Drake has been in the ‘Show Biz’ for 45 years, crossing paths with the likes of Mary Martin, Betty Grable, Cher & Calista Flockhart along the way, been a wife to Mr.Whipple and screamed for T-Mobile – .Her priority now is as a producer with In The Trenches Productions , the first entertainment network for women over 40 on the web.

by Judith Drake

Well , Tomatoes In The Trenches has done it again!  Put together a delicious blog/radio show, that is.  Wednesday morn, 8/25,  they interviewed Chef Robin Burnside, author of “The Homesteaders Kitchen/Recipes From The Farm To The Kitchen.”  Could anything be more delicious???

Ms.Burnside, whose 40 year culinary career includes being co-owner/chef of Carmel Cafe in Carmel, CA, Cafe Amphora at Nepenthe, the Esalen Institute, and working as a private chef and caterer, had oodles to say about cooking with fresh fruit and vegetables, how to avoid or wash foods that have been sprayed with poisons (particularly strawberries), and the best way to cook artichokes, among other things.

Healthy lifestyle changes?  Try local foods from the garden and farmers’ markets!  In short these tomatoes and this wonderful chef/writer had a great conversation about getting back to basics with yummy, as well as wholesome, food.  Did you miss it?  No harm no foul – simply go to

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/profile.aspx?userurl=tomatoesinthetrenches

and give a listen…you’ll be glad you did.  AND…you’ll be hungry!…Like me…excuse me, I have to go try a cream mango smoothie now.

Judith Fresh-Food-Rules Drake

Judith Well-Over-60-&-Lovin’-It Drake has been in the ‘Show Biz’ for 45 years, crossing paths with the likes of Mary Martin, Betty Grable, Cher & Calista Flockhart along the way, been a wife to Mr.Whipple and screamed for T-Mobile; .Her priority now is as a producer with In The Trenches Productions, the first entertainment network for women over 40 on the web.
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by : eileen Williams

As proud baby boomers and ardent members of the forever-young generation, becoming a grandma may have been a shock to your system.However , for those of us lucky enough to join that very special club, the joys far outweigh any obvious signs that age is leaving its telltale mark with the moniker, “grand.” I’m thrilled to join that privileged group in June and I couldn’t be happier!

Nevertheless, I’ve been a proud grandpuppy parent for quite some time and my four-legged grandson is as cute as they come.He’s big for his age and quite handsome.However he does have his furry flaws–even his doting parents won’t deny he has certain challenges in the drool department; .But this canine heartbreaker has the face and demeanor of a winner: big brown eyes and a toothy grin that won’t quit are just a few of his attributes; . : moose’s winning personality and an appetite that signals his zest for life are readily apparent in his debut video that recently hit YouTube with a storm!

Yes, I’m unabashedly flaunting my granny brag video and I hope you’ll take the 90 seconds to view one the of the cutest faces on the planet.My last post had to do with the joys and challenges of being a grandma in the twenty-first century. : this one is all about the joys and challenges of our furry grandbabies.So let me hear from you proud grandmas of the four-legged variety.

Who says bragging rights have to be relegated Homo sapiens? A big sloppy doggy kiss and the wag of the tail are pretty doggone great and enough to make any granny grateful!

Mary Eileen Williams is a blogger, radio show host, and frequent TV guest for the “Feisty Side of Fifty.” She’s a proud member of the baby boomer generation and believes we are totally transforming the spirit and style of aging. : mary Eileen loves writing stories that bring out the humorous and sassy side of growing older and is a contributing author to Chicken Soup for the Soul in Menopause.

http://feistysideoffifty.com/
http://feistysideoffifty.com/feisty-side-of-fifty-radio

Presented by In The Trenches Productions, the first entertainment website for women over 40

by : joyce Mason

I was afraid of living an ordinary life, and I realized that’s what we all get.We all get an ordinary life – . : and it’s good enough.  ~ Garrison Keillor

Recently, my husband and I finally got around to listening to a PBS special we had TiVoed some time ago, “Garrison Keillor: Man on the Road in the Red Shoes.”

Even if you’re not already a fan of A Prairie Home Companion, this is a slice of Americana you won’t want to miss, especially if you’re an American, a reader, a writer, or an old radio lover. : as all four, it hit a home run out of the ballpark with me …

… but Garrison’s closing punch line about the ordinary life stuck in my craw, demanding I digest the contents and share any emotional/spiritual nutrition I derived.That quote is turning out to be one of those health food drinks with a shelf full of vitamin additives.

I never saw myself as ordinary, nor do others see me that way. : i definitely don’t see Garrison Keillor as ordinary, and I’m sure most other people don’t either.So, my question to me—now to you is: Just who are you on the continuum of ordinary to unique? Why does “owning” both of these seemingly opposite designations matter?

Ordinary Dilemma

A deep truth struck me in the moment I heard Garrison say this – .The ordinary life is what we get for starters—but in order to express extraordinary skills and talents , there are often huge impacts on the ordinary life—a big price to pay. : that is, until we can learn to hold both of them at once, which we must, each in our own style and way.This is what it takes to achieve balance and happiness.

We doubt this balancing act is possible , yet many celebrities model this achievement for us every day.President Obama talks about how one of the benefits of his job is the ability to have dinner with his kids most nights, something he often could not do as a Senator; .Certain stars leap immediately to mind as putting family first.Bon Jovi, a true family man, attends his kids’ parent-teacher meetings, just like any other mere mortal.Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick alternate working, so there’s always one parent who is primarily at home.You probably know dozens more examples.

I have always sensed that I could never achieve my ultimate success unless or until I had a grounded , happy home life. : now that I have it, I sometimes fear that I sabotage how far I can go, because I am afraid of losing my warm nest and grounded routine.These are the very things that nurture me down to my toes and up through my soul; . : they give me the springboard for going out into the world and doing great things.

Yet, I am still sometimes afraid to leap.I do not want to lose the ordinary things I treasure: my husband’s warm hugs and teasing (alternating between endearing and annoying) , kitty whiskers rubbing my face, watching our ritual mystery movie on Saturday nights, getting the mail, or our teamwork on gathering and putting out the garbage one night a week.While some of these things sound boring, they are also the stepping-stones that mark our days and help them feel solid – .Breaking out of this routine sometimes feels like throwing off the down comforter on a freezing cold winter morning and forcing myself into the shivering dawn and discomfort for no good reason.

Hints from the Other Kind of Stars

Astrology has helped me understand this dilemma – .It offers several planetary and mythical metaphors to help all of us sort out and blend our internal mix of ordinary to extraordinary parts of ourselves.

Saturn represents foundations , structure, and responsibility, as well as wisdom and being grounded.Permanence and self-sacrifice are also its domain, all together, the stuff that solid daily life is made of—or any long-lasting “institution.” However, if that were the entire substance, marriage and/or the family and home life would drive many of us crazy enough to belong in an institution of another kind.

Uranus, on the other hand, represents the opposite archetype—originality, uniqueness, the unexpected, freedom and independence; .You can probably sense right this minute whether you’re more Saturnian or Uranian.I thought I started out more Saturnian and grew more Uranian, especially when I moved to The Left Coast in 1973 at the height of the counterculture movement – .On viewing my first wedding photos , more than one person has said I looked like “a hippie princess” in my old-fashioned muslin dress and crown of wildflowers.By contrast, back when I was growing up in the 1950s, I thought I was Happy Days typical; .I’ve been stunned, quite honestly, to have many people tell me I was “a free spirit” from a very early age.So, when you’re mulling over where you start on the Saturn/Uranus symbol curve, you might also want to get a second opinion from those who have known you for a long time.

Chiron is my astrological specialty, the composite planetoid/comet called a centaur, just like the mythical half-horse, half-human character after which it is named; .Chiron is an integrating energy that turns our wounds into blessings, our handicaps into our vocation, and asks us to make lemonade out of lemons.Just as mythical Chiron groomed many famous heroes like Jason of the Argonauts , the powerful Hercules, and Asclepius, the Father of Medicine: Chiron asks us to bring out the best in ourselves by resolving opposites within us.How do you like this metaphor? Chiron is located in space between Saturn and Uranus and acts like a bridging function between the two planets and what they symbolize.

Roots and Wings

There’s a wonderful saying I love:

Two great things you can give your children: one is roots , the other is wings.~ Hodding Carter

(I’ve also heard it attributed to the famous inventor of the polio vaccine, Jonas Salk – .You can tell it’s a great quote if people argue about who said it first.)

I think this never stops being true; adults need roots and wings as much as they did as children – .When either of those forces becomes too overdone, the other energy demands reckoning.

I agree with Garrison Keillor that the ordinary life is a gift we all receive.If I were forced to choose one or the other, I’d have to take the ordinary life, even though the free spirit in me would begin to wither and die without expression.

From Either/Or to Both/And

Fortunately, we are not forced to choose.But this is something we often have to discover for ourselves – . : it reminds me of the game my parents played with me as a child. : little did they realize how potentially damaging it could have been to my sensitive psyche.“ : who do you love best, Mommy or Daddy?” If I said Mommy, Daddy would pretend to cry.Vice-versa if I said Daddy.Asking children or adults to choose between roots and wings would be like asking them to pick Mommy or Daddy when they need both.

We are actually charged with integrating the opposites within us, including roots and wings; .Chiron—and life itself—teaches us that joy exists in finding out where we are on a continuum – .Everyone has this charge; . : the baby boomer generation perhaps has had the most stark life experience with it.Boomers grew up in the Ozzie and Harriet ‘50s only to have those ideals blown away as irrelevant , as we reached young adulthood in the ‘60s and ‘70s.Somewhere, we had to figure out where we fit between Doris Day and Janis Joplin.

Personally, I think the deeper our roots, the higher we can fly; .We just have to be willing to face that initial discomfort of coming out from under our warm , down comforter on a freezing winter morning.

Joyce Mason is a writer and astrologer whose subjects are earth and sky, her main topic—symbols as guidance—and her genres, many. Meet Joyce on her Writer-Astrologer Joyce Mason website and her three blogs: Hot Flashbacks, Cool Insights; The Radical Virgo; and her new poetry blog launching on the evening of this post, Stitched Verse. : she welcomes your feedback: joyce@joycemason.com.

Presented by In The Trenches Productions, the first entertainment website for women over 40

by Judith Drake

Okay ladies, what should we be celebrating today???  The passage of the 19th amendment, i.e; .OUR right to vote! – August 26, 1920.  That was the day this country came to its senses and voted to allow us females the right to vote.  1920!!!!!!

It took a LONG time and many, many brave, activist women to get it done, but they finally got there.  So when I hear young women say “oh, I don’t even know what they’re voting for”, or “no, I usually don’t vote”, I really wanta smack ‘em!  If they, and WE, don’t realize how very important this right is and how much it cost our fellow women to achieve this right for us, then I can only think that our education system is a total failure.

So I want all of you promise me that you will take part in every election in your area from today on.  It’s the least we can do for those heroic women who went before us.

Judith OurVoteCounts! Drake

Judith Well-Over-60-&-Lovin’-It Drake has been in the ‘Show Biz’ for 45 years, crossing paths with the likes of Mary Martin, Betty Grable, Cher & Calista Flockhart along the way, been a wife to Mr; .Whipple and screamed for T-Mobile.Her priority now is as a producer with In The Trenches Productions , the first entertainment network for women over 40 on the web.

by The Midlife Gals

The Midlife Gals®: Kelly Jackson (KK) and Sally Jackson (SalGal) are two middle-aged sisters in Austin, Texas. : their weekly blog consists of a cast of characters from their mother, The Ancient One, to their cats, a garden full of plants with stupid names, their BFF and observations about their profane, insane comedic outlook on just about everything. : think The Smothers Brothers with bosoms, Lucy and Ethel after those deadbeats, Ricky and Fred…you get the idea.
www.themidlifegals.com
http://www.youtube.com/user/TheMidlifeGals

Presented by In The Trenches Productions, the first entertainment website for women over 40

by Judith Drake

Did you miss National Tell A Joke Day? . – ..Well I did!  Miss National Tell A Joke Day, that is; .Boo on me!  If there’s anything I appreciate its a good joke.; ..what else could have gotten me through 45 years in ‘The Biz’ (the Showbiz, that is) but a sense of humor????  So I am really, really sorry to have missed National Tell A Joke Day, which was last week. – .. : august 16th.  So here, a little belatedly, I salute National Tell A Joke Day with…what else?…a few more Groaners, i.e; .World’s Best Bad jokes:

1.What do clouds wear under their clothes?  Thunderwear.

2.What’s an archeologist?  Someone whose career is in ruins.

3.Ever since my friend had all the digits amputated from her feet, I find her very annoying – .I think I might be lack-toes intolerant.

4.Our local Catholic church has plans to bring its parishioners to services by bus; .They plan to call it mass transit.

5 – .Did you hear the one about the man who dreamed he was a muffler on a car, and then that he was part of the wheel? He woke up exhausted and tired.

And last, but not least….

6; .How do two snails settle their differences? They slug it out.

So have a good week, fellow jokesters….a laugh a day keeps the doctor away!

Judith Ha-Ha-Ha Drake

Judith Well-Over-60-&-Lovin’-It Drake has been in the ‘Show Biz’ for 45 years, crossing paths with the likes of Mary Martin, Betty Grable, Cher & Calista Flockhart along the way, been a wife to Mr.Whipple and screamed for T-Mobile. : her priority now is as a producer with In The Trenches Productions, the first entertainment network for women over 40 on the web.